MICHAEL BAY'S TURTLE BLASPHEMY

Ten cool points to anyone who still remembers the theme song.

 Any nerd worth his salt, and quite a few who aren't, know what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are. They're mutants. It's in the name. It's hard to miss. 

Evidence suggests that Michael Bay could miss the ground if he threw himself at it.

Smug bastard.

Rumors of a Michael Bay Ninja Turtles filled many a Transformer/Turtle fan with fear. How many more pieces of our childhoods was this man going to bastardize and mutilate? Well, we all waited with bated breath. Maybe he could maintain a level of respect for the source material, maybe he would have the gorram decency to -- nope, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, regular turtles in the New York sewers mutated by the mysterious ooze and raised to be ninja by a mutated rat ... are aliens.

Aliens?

ALIENS!?

Riiiiiiiiiight.

If ever there was a doubt in my mind that Michael Bay was one of the few people who could stick his foot in his mouth and his head up his ass at the same time, it has been laid comfortably to rest 6 feet under the last layer of ice under Lucifer's ass in hell. 

The good news is fan outcry has been loud and fast (much like the joss-whedon-less Buffy reboot and the Mass Effect 3 endings). You never know, maybe someone will take heed. I mean ... I doubt it, but I can dream right?

Even the name has been changed to Ninja Turtles. "They made the title simple."

"The characters you all remember are exactly the same, and yes they still act like teenagers." But they're not teenagers. Apparently they're aliens who have a maturity deficiency.

"Everything you remember, why you liked the characters, is in the movie." Like them being teenagers, and mutants. Oh wait.

"This script is being developed by two very smart writers." I hope he doesn't mean the jack-asses that worked on the Transformers films.

"HE'S NOT GOING TO LET YOU DOWN." You'll see me in church every Sunday before you'll see me trust Michael Bay on that one.

I'm going to go re-watch the 1990 film & 80s cartoon and eat pizza. Cowabunga Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fans. Cowabunga.

~ Godzello