Friday, April 20, 2012


I can honestly say that I don't think I've been had this mixed a personal reaction to a new franchise before. I, like so many in my age-group, saw the original Total Recall in all of it's glory, when we were kids. Which makes me wonder what possessed our parents to think that these were good choices (other top contenders on the list are Carnosaur II, Event Horizon, and Se7en). 

Ooh ... shiiiiny.

When I found out that they were remaking the 1990 science fiction action film bypredict that they will be one of the most enjoyable  seeing the new film's theatrical trailer, I was initially wowed. The film looks great, shiny special effects, flashy action, and Colin Farrell and Kate Beckinsale, both of whom I consider very talented actors, and will likely be the selling point of this remake.

So, with this in mind, I decided to entertain both my childhood nostalgia and rewatch the original. What I did not initially consider was this strange buzzing I had in the back of my mind, a tingling sensation warning me not to do it. 

However, being American, I ignored by better judgement and being an uncommon American poked my head out of the sand long enough to realize what that buzzing was all about. 

It was my bullshit remake sense tingling.
I can say that the further I got into the Schwarzenegger-fest of awesome acting, gore, and triple boobed martian mutants, the more I started to wonder what the hell they were doing in the remake. I mean, I appreciate a remake that can take a concept as a springboard and take it in a new fresh direction, but the new Total Recall doesn't ... it looks like it's taking the base concept of Total Recall to retell the Bourne Identity with the gritty-urban style of Blade Runner. How can it fail?

Pictured: Not Mars.
Anywhoo, the film is being directed by Len Wiseman, the man who behind the Underworld & Live Free or Die Hard, and I'll leave you to form your own opinions about that.

The plot of the remake is that or Euroamerica and New Shanghai fighting for power in the dystopian future of 2084. So far as I can tell there is no Mars and will be no three boobed mutants. Colin Farrell follows in the Terminator's footsteps and learns that his memories are implanted and that he is a secret agent, and joins with a young freedom fighter and must overthrow the Euroamerican President.

And it's not on Mars.
All, I can think of is that all of the things that made Total Recall a simply bad-ass movie have been stripped away and replaced with contemporary Hollywood filler. And to that I say, "Humbug."

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