Friday, November 2, 2012

Disney's Star Wars Rant

The Kingdom Hearts guys just jizzed in their pants.
So right now the nerd kingdom is being polarized by the newest of juicy geekdom trivia. There are two very vocal groups, one who has their heads firmly embedded in their ass, and the other who is pissed that said space is already occupied because we are itching to ram a foot up that particular orifice. 

This momentous event that has Fanboys losing their freakin' minds is that Star Wars creator George Lucas, the guy who accidentally the whole Original Trilogy and, with God-like fanfare delivered the most anticipatory case of ED and anal leakage in all of cinema history. 

But fear not! For the minds behind the biggest franchise monopoly in Hollywood, Marvel's Cinematic Universe, Walt Disney Company, has come to sweep the beleaguered Lucasfilm from its erstwhile creator, who has locked it away in a tower with a avalanche of books, movies, video games, comics, and merchandise. So just what this franchise needs is more bloating, right?

Cause here is the thing, after spending $4.05 billion in cash and stock, we've been promised another home run from a dead horse. Hell, even Bioware, the guys who handed us the glory of RPG entertainment, Knights of the Old Republic, fell down on the job on The Old Republic. That one fell out of public eye in between blinks, and not a heart skipped a beat anywhere.

So, in 2015, we can expect the next cinema installment to the Star Wars Saga ... which I had rested comfortably knowing was dead and entombed under the weight of the infamous "Nooooooooo!" heard round the world, and it can go one of two ways, cause no matter how much I ramble on here in my widdle corner of the interwebs, something tells me my readers are not comprised of the Disney Development Team and that they are driven by a sensation of quality as opposed to this mythological substance always in short supply (especially to Disney execs) money. 

So I digress. It can go one of two ways. Tron: Legacy, which I thought rocked. It fell into the category with Star Trek '09. I recognized that it was not the original, and it was not trying to be. It took loved aspects and made them accessible to modern popcorn guzzling crowds. Cool.

The second option I call Iron Man 2 (lookup Ryan Wieber's review to see why). Now Marvel had a damn good thing going, and despite my love of Whedon and the Avengers, Iron Man and the Incredible Hulk were the best films of the series. Then Disney came rolling in with its damn mouse, and the next thing we know, the left field house of cards got hit like the east coast by Sandy. (Too soon?)

Either way, I know for a simple and sad, possibly existential fact, that no one gives two flying shits about quality. It's about money, and brand recognition is the surest and easiest way to put fat asses in theater seats. (just wait till the torrenting/starving college kids actually grow up). So guess what, new Star Wars movies on the way.

All I know is that I miss the Disney that brought us Adventures in Babysitting, with the main line, "Don't fuck with the babysitter!

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