TOUGH SH*T BY KEVIN SMITH

This book was fantastic (and I'm a whovian, so you know when I say fantastic, I f***ing mean it).

That said, I love Kevin Smith more than I do his films. The man is a natural born storyteller, but for a man who built his career around his love for movies ... he doesn't do much more than stick his actors in front of a camera and let them talk... and talk ... and talk.

But that's okay. If anyone has ever enjoyed a Kevin Smith interview or any of his many Q&As, this books is a must have. Even if not, he spins an amusing tail that is sincerely Kevin Smith. Of all the men I look up to, I cannot think of a more open and honest one than Kevin Smith. His diplomacy skills are "not giving a f***" and this book is no exception. 

I mean, I love his humor. It is dick and fart jokes, with this underlying intelligence that just because you say f*** and make dick and fart jokes, doesn't mean you can't articulate yourself intellectually. Like his films, Smith, the epitomeous Silent Bob, dishes out cold and honest, funny and hilarious, harsh truths about where he came from.

~ Godzello

For those who haven't left us!

For anyone still hanging around, I cannot begin to describe how busy I have been.

I transferred colleges, moved across state lines, to a place where no heathen should go. Utah.

But hey, Shakespeare Festival here I come!

Till then, I am diligently working to stay up on my studies, and moving the ungodly number of boxes of books I own.

~ Godzello

STEAM POWERED GIRAFFE

So while vacationing in San Diego the other week, I had the fortune of going to the San Diego Zoo, which was downright fantastic. I loved it, had a great time, and started planning for my retirement. Figure since I'm ginger I'll fit right in in the orangutan cage. On that note, you all need to spread the word that this blog is awesome so that I can make more money off it and retire and move to San Diego. You got that? Good.

Now while at the zoo, I was brought to a dead stop by a very strange sight.

Up on stage I saw a group of robots playing music.

Upon closer inspection, they were musical actors with obvious backgrounds in theatre performance and miming, cause damn were they good!

This band was Steam Powered Giraffe.

What is Steam Powered Giraffe? 

The band is comprised of the Spine, Rabbit, and the John, and their act is one part music, one part stand up comedy, all in the guise of 3 lovable, malfunctioning 'musical automatons'.

The band formed in 2008 and has been performing Southern California venues like the San Diego county fair and the (where I saw them) San Diego zoo. The band members, the Bennet twins and Jon Sprague met while studying Theatre arts (explaining not just the makeup and performance, but the diction). Originally the friends started street busking as 'quirky robot personalities' that eventually developed into the current incarnation of the show.

On their website their fictional backstory is explained. The three robots were invented by Colonel P. A. Walter in 1896 and kept in the family over the years as the 8th 1/2 Wonder of the World. The name was derived from Walter's first invention, a giant mechanical giraffe.

At the same time they have surprisingly dark histories, including involvement in Vietnam.

Now the instant I returned to my hotel room I spammed my friends (they do exist, I swear), I showed them to all my friends, to which one of them said, "This is a band you would listen to." I don't know if that was meant as an insult or not. Can never tell with her.

But the truth is ... it is. Simple as that. I'm a theatre major with a minor in creative writing who blogs. I'm a Whedonite and a Whovian, and these guys caught my eye in seconds. I was in love. Their music is simple, but charming and catchy, and their skill at physically portraying their characters is quite impressive.

So I don't have a lot else to really say about them. There is only so many ways one can sing praise, so I'll remain concise.

But come on! These guys are sooooo cool!

~ Godzello

DOES THE DARK KNIGHT RISE?

In the infamous words of Yahtzee Croshaw of Zero Punctuation, "Nobody likes me when I'm being nice, so let's talk shittiness!"

I will admit that my excitement for the Dark Knight Rises was a paltry comparison to my excitement for the Dark Knight. I couldn't have told you precisely what was prompting this reservation, but it was certainly there. I think that after Inception, I was beginning to see the grizzly underside of Christopher Nolan's shortcomings as a storyteller, which had clouded my view on all his previous work. Also, Terminator Salvation shook a lot of my faith in Christian Bale's abilities as an actor. 

Also, with Bane as the lead villain, I only imagined that whatever dialogue the two characters exchanged would sound like a rockslide yelling at itself, which it kinda did. 

But first let's focus on the head honcho, the big cheese, the one and only (out of half a dozen) Bruce Wayne. I was actually impressed with what Nolan did with Bruce Wayne. Taking inspiration from the Dark Knight Returns comic by Frank Miller, we see a seven years retired Bruce Wayne who is feelings the weakness of age and the loss of both the Batman persona and Rachel. He feels vulnerable, and by the time he dons the cowl, we are as fearful for him as we are excited. 

Nolan works very hard over the course of the film to break Bruce Wayne as a person, taking everything away from him. He loses Wayne Enterprises, Bane ransacks the R&D department, taking Tumblers and other various technology, and he is physically broken (Identical to the same events in the Knightfall comic, although nowhere near as severe). He also has to watch during his recovery as Bane sends Gotham descending into chaos. 

This all refers back to the title and Batman's inevitable rise. It was a nice change to see Bruce Wayne as an equally developed character for once.

Anne Hathaway received a ton of backlash upon her casting as Selina Kyle. I found myself in multiple arguments with people, friends even, about her talents as an actress, citing her performance in Love and Other Drugs alongside Jake Gyllenhaal. I was not disappointed and thought she did a fantastic job. I must take a moment though, and point out that one of the friends I argued with said that 'Halle Berry' was the quintessential Catwoman, so I must admit ... some of my friends have the inner brain capabilities of a cherry turnover.

Although never referred to by her title, usually referred to just as 'the Cat' as she is indeed a cat burglar, it was not the Selina Kyle I knew from either comics or films, but in the context of the Dark Knight Rises, I had no issue. Stylistically and thematically, this portrayal belongs completely to Nolan. The line "So that's what that feels like," from Batman when Selina Kyle disappears off a roof, according to what IMDB tells me, is lifted directly from the Kingdom Come comic. 

Also ... she looked damn good in the outfit. I'm jush sayin'.

Onward to an interesting introduction. To counterbalance both Bruce's retirement and Gordon's age, we are introduced to a young 'hothead' police officer, John Blake, played perfectly by the ever talented Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I loved Blake and what he was there for. There isn't a whole lot that I can really say other than he was a refreshing new face though ... which kinda makes me sad, cause I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and anyone who's seen Brick will know why.

And finally onto the other big guy, Bane. My opinions of this character and his portrayal are divided. The script, for the most part, seemed in line with the comics, the design of the face-mask was interesting, and Tom Hardy's physical presence was imposing but ... and here it comes, he sounded like Darth Vader mixed with Sean Connery. I understand that they wanted to create a "a contradiction between the voice and the body" but it came across as ... at times, incredibly hokey, and at others merely incomprehensible.

I understand that actor Tom Hardy was inspired by Barley Gorman, the Irish-grypsy-bare-knuckle boxer. Still, even though I understand the idea behind it... the execution was ultimately questionable.

The film also brought back the lineup of old faces, including Lucius Fox and Comissioner Gordon, played perfectly by Morgan Freeman and Gary Oldman respectfully. Both characters are as much a part of Nolan's Batman universe as any. Michael Caine's Alfred had a mildly absent role in this film, in line with the theme of breaking Bruce Wayne by taking everything away from him, so even in his absence his presence was felt. Lastly, we had Cillian Murphy return for a brief cameo that I couldn't decide if I liked or ... if it really bothered me. It was fun to see Dr. Crane again, but it felt forced, in a way.

Also Marion Cotillard, while ever beautiful, still fails to wow me in a Nolan film. I enjoyed her in Big Fish, but since then, I've never connected with her performances. Maybe that's just me.

The story of the Dark Knight Rises draws heavily on three distinct Batman comics. We have Knightfall, which introduces the character of Bane, who, in the comics, nearly paralyzes Batman, breaking his back, we have the Dark Knight Returns, where an aged Bruce Wayne comes out of retirement to save his city, and we have No Man's Land, where Gotham is rocked by an earthquake, and quarantined, and divided up by the rouges gallery.

This leads to Nolan walking a fine line, and honestly, moments in the film feel oddly paced as he goes from one bit to the next. It ultimately works, and fits, but it's still odd. Large portions of the film are just ... there, and honestly, I don't recall Batman being that memorable in this film. Where Bruce Wayne excelled, Batman felt ... lessened. At time this worked, especially when Bane comments on Bruce's fighting being akin to a younger man's, with nothing held back. We see Bruce Wayne in the suit for once, but for a film with the 'Dark Knight' in the title, we still don't see much of the Batman, and his rise seems to be rather fast.

Whereas everything in the beginning was meticulously planned out, that damn climax felt majorly rushed, at least to me. The final fight between Bane and Batman was, in my mind, cut short, and could have used more emotional beats to truly be satisfying.

The reasoning, I can only assume is the reveal that Miranda (Cotillard) was in fact Talia al Ghul. Now, the point of a false antagonist, in my mind, is to replace them with someone of greater interest. Now I liked the reveal of Talia ... saw it a mile away, but that's because I still read comics. What I didn't like was that the moment she showed up (and a little bit before) Bane was suddenly unimportant, and ... apparently in love with her? That whole bit had no bearing on the story, and hell, I can think of a few ways it could have been improved upon.

Bruce destroys Ra's al Ghul in Batman Begins. League of Shadows disorganizes, Talia steps in with mercenary Bane as her muscle. Strict business transaction. She wants to destroy Gotham like her father before her and Bane gets to do his whole terrorist bit. There, much simpler, less betrayal of the source material. Everyone is happy.

Also, Bane's death was too fast. As was (shocker) Batman's. Both these are violent, brutal characters that deserved a fight that could only be described as epic. Batman and Bane are physical titans, and their final confrontation should have shaken mountaintops. Instead, Selina shoots him with the batpod in an incredibly anti-climactic moment followed by a cheesy one-liner. And so dies (off-camera) an un-sung villain with a funny voice.

So they catch Talia and cannot stop the bomb that is going to level Gotham. Batman has a flying Bat machine (that is pretty cool, but ... I still preferred the Tumbler in Batman Begins) and flies the bomb out over the bay, where it detonates and kills the Batman. This is established earlier in the film that Fox has not been able to perfect the auto-pilot on the damn thing.

Oh-kay. If there is one thing filmmakers need to learn is that Nuking the Hero is a bad idea. Fans reacted so badly when Indiana Jones did it, they came up with a term for it, Nuking the Fridge. Batman just did that. I have to quote my brother here, "That ending was really gay."
And it was. It was so BIG and FLASHY that it forgot what makes Batman so cool. When Batman fights, even if he's losing, he gives it his all. He isn't a man, he's an idea, a symbol. He does not compromise. He does not quit. AND HE SURE AS HELL DON'T GET NUKED.

That said, it was a twist. He's not really dead. He auto-piloted the Bat out there. He faked his death.

But again, going back to the the themes of Batman, he did something similar in the Dark Knight Returns comic, and it was so much cooler, simply because it was Batman going toe-to-toe with Superman, mano-a-mano, getting bloody, hurt, and beaten up, but still fighting a fight he cannot possibly win (not that Batman couldn't totally kick Superman's ass).

So the cowl goes onto John Blake, the cop. This is why it's hard for me to talk about Blake. He was Dick Grayson, no two ways about it. (Although how he learned of Batman's identity was utterly half-assed). But as a character, he felt like Dick Grayson. And the conversation he had with Bruce about "The batman is a symbol. He could be anyone," my suspicions were confirmed. The cowl would pass on to Dick--I mean Robin--I mean Blake. Which also leads me to the 'You should use your birth name, Robin,' bit was ... I dunno, at the least incredibly predictable.

Also, there was no way they'd end the film on any other note than Alfred's fantasy about seeing Bruce across the restaurant with a wife. NO WAY once that line was said that it *could* end any other way. So Talia, Alfred, and Blake, those three things were blatantly predictable. Now I will not say they were bad, just predictable. There is a difference. The Robin John Blake was a nice touch. Talia was a nice way to wrap-around plots from the first film with the League of Shadows and have Bruce confront his origins. But the Alfred bit ... I don't know. Any comic aficionado should have trouble with the idea of Bruce Wayne leaving Gotham behind. Perchance it's just my love of Batman Beyond that colors my opinion here. Bruce was trained by ninjas. Blake is a cop. Blake is gonna get his ass kicked, is all I'm saying.

Okay, so now that I have rambled incessantly (you guys remember when these reviews were relatively short?) 

~ Godzello

AMAZING SPIDERMAN AMAZING?

In the wake of the Dark Knight Rises release has prompted me to admit that once again I've fallen behind in my posts, so here we go with my 2nd retro review, Marc Webb's series reboot, The Amazing Spider-Man. This film met with some harsh resistance in the wake of Sam Raimi's original trilogy which starred Tobey Maguire simply due to it's proximity to the last films. In all honesty, we didn't need a Spider-man reboot, but Sony did, and considering the franchise is probably Sony's biggest cash-cow, artistic integrity probably didn't factor into rebooting the series at all. Batman Begins, on the other hand, probably did.

This is a 'gritty' reboot, and in some ways more in touch with the source comics, although more in line with the Ultimate series of Spider-man. No matter. For me, anything that wasn't the originals is good in my books. I retain a nostalgic soft spot for at least the first two X-Men films. Spider-man, not so much. Not even Willem Dafoe's terrifying visage could save that film.

But instead of ripping on Maguire, the padded costume, horrible dialogue, and what strikes me as Raimi's inability to produce quality, let's focus on the good and shitty about the new film.

From my understanding, Garfield did the majority of
his own stunts.

It's first problem out of the gate is that it is rebooting a story that we already know. If you notice, they shorten, condense, and shine the light in different areas to tell the same story. Orphan-Peter, spider-bite, uncle Ben; all these events play out as expected, with little deviation, other than to hasten the process. They focus more on Peter being an orphan, and how that effects him growing up, as well as the struggles every teenager has with the adults of their lives. 

Now is as good a time as any to espouse Andrew Garfield as an actor. He does a fantastic job. He captures that on-edge feel that most of us have when we're deep into our teenage years, where everything is just a little heightened and tense emotionally. As someone who, within the last year, lost a father figure to pancreatic cancer, I related very much to his journey and his performance. 

It was also refreshing that Peter Parker was established as an outsider ... not a dweeb. This is the age of the nerd, as I talked about in my Avengers review, and he had to still reflect that outsider status that most if not all teenagers feel. I can actually point at Peter Parker now and go, "That. That is what I was like in High School....actually I think I own that jacket."

Seriously, the flirty scene with Gwen, I think I once had, just in my case the girl did not reciprocate, so there is that. 

Yeah, that scene ...

And lastly, what was seriously lacking in the other films was Parker's trademark wittiscm. I mean, half the reason his villains hated him so much in the comics is that he would beat them up and make fun of them. He really comes across, in this film, as an internet troll. Peter Parker gains the power of anonymity via the suit, and it shows. 

Ifans did in fact do all his own stunts while wearing
a ridiculous Lizard motion capture suit.

I can't say I was wowed by the Lizard, although I thought that Rhys Ifans did a fantastic job, the character seems a bit of a rehash of other villains, especially Doc Ock's "I'm going to better mankind," nuttiness. But it was done sincerely, which from Spider-man, is all I ask. The effects were fantastic.

Also, not bothered by the removal of the Lizard's snout. I preferred retaining a vestige of Ifans' face in the performance. Twas good.

Emma Stone was enjoyable, although I find myself hard pressed to find much more to say. She ... kinda played a similar character to the one she always does. Some might call her distinct, but well, I just kinda see her. Perchance this is a personal problem. The character worked in the context of the film, so that's all that matters. She's still inherently charming, with quite the girl-next-door vibe. More so than Kirsten Dunst did, at least in my opinion.

There are minor nitpicks I have overall, but I'll save them for my Brand New SPOILER SECTION!

But before I get to that, I wanna comment on how cool the suit looked. It had the look of something made at home, it was slim, and awesome. I loved it. I also loved that they took the middle ground with the web-shooters. It's such a classic bit of Spidey-lore that the Raimi films ... understandably opted out of. Well, Marc Webb, of (500) Days of Summer infamy, found a delightful middle ground. Parker didn't invent the technology, just modified it to his needs. It gives him the wiz-kid cred without making him Tony Stark.

Sally Field and Martin Sheen did a splendid job as Aunt May and Uncle Ben respectively, this film again playing the orphan-family dynamic more than the others, and impressing me with the weight placed on Aunt May after Uncle Ben's death. Also, I enjoyed Parker's vendetta in looking for the guy who did it. It gives his early period as Spider-man a less than altruistic angle, which works for an angry, hurt teenager.

Garfield worked to incorporate Spider-man's style of movements even when not in the suit.

WARNING HERE THERE BE SPOILERS

Some, not a lot, but I do have to say that near the ending, the cheese factor got laid on Chicago Deepdish style and it was unbearable. In Raimi's film, we have Spider-man dangling from a web holding onto a cable to a tram-car with a bunch of kids in it, with Mary Jane. Goblin comes swinging around on his glider to finish our trapped hero once and for all. Then New Yorkers start barraging the Goblin with garbage, wrenches, and random debris. From what I recall, this is stereotypical New Yorker behavior anyways.

In Marc Webb's, Spider-man is shot in the leg, and half-a-dozen crane operators all the way to OsCorpe tower happen to be ignoring the evacuation warning so that they can reposition the cranes so that Spider-man can get his injured pussy-ass to the final fight.

For me, it was too big. It was too ... staged. It felt like the screen-writer was like, "Okay, we need something big and inspirational," and slapped this scene on us. Just too much for me, I was drowning in cheese.

Now the scene that immediately preceded it, was gold, where Parker get's tazed while swinging and then downs a group of cops before facing off with his girlfriend's father, Denis Leary--I mean, Captain Stacy. Now that scene worked. If anything, I thought Captain Stacy letting Spider-man go was enough of a small, inspirational moment for the character. Oh well.

Also, the Lizard's redemption moment was tacky as well. Oh look you're just saved the kid who can stick to f***ing walls that you've been trying to kill for half the film. Also, the bit with his learning Parker's identity was 'meh' in my mind. Although, the school fight was very well done, and Stan Lee's cameo did garner a laugh from me.

END OF SPOILER AREA

Anyone else thinking of the damage the moon
would do were it that close?

So, overall, was the film amazing? No. But it was damn good, and might more internally consistent than say Prometheus was, in my mind. There were just little moments that made me honestly shake my head. They had to pander to an audience that already knew the story and felt like they were hitting their marks with -- I dunno. The film ultimately suffered by just being so close to the others, even if it was infinitely improved. I think the film will improve with age, if anything.

~ Godzello

ON PROMETHUES ....

Okay, so ... I've done my reading and studied for the test, and while many seem to share my opinions ... I am really divided on this movie. So, spoilers beware, cause I'm going in depth on this review. Like really. And you thought I wrote a lot about the Avengers.

Okay, so the film has Ridley Scott returning to the franchise that he started with the film Alien back in 1979 starring Sigourney Weaver as the iconic Ripley and introducing us to the spine chilling titular aliens, the Xenomorph. Prometheus is a prequel.

But before I drive anyone away, lemme go so far as to say (and I'll go pretty far), that almost every aspect of the film I found amazing. Where the film falls apart is on its delivery. Explanations seem shelved for the potential sequel that might not even come. But up and to that point, it's a pretty cool time.

We have an absolutely fantastic cast, helmed by Noomi Rapace as Dr. Elizabeth Shaw and Michael Fassbender as David the android, who lead the ship Prometheus (named after the Greek Titan who stole fire and gave it to mankind and god knows if I honestly have to explain the symbolism to you people I'm gonna crack skulls) in search of mankind's makers (called Engineers), a race of aliens who, up and to 2000 years prior, were regular visitors to the planet Earth. 

Something obviously went wrong 2000 years ago. I blame the Christians. 

Anyone else thinking of Firefly?

Conceptually I love this movie. I have a possibly unhealthy adoration that has anything to do with where we came from, where we are going, where we have been, and what makes us who we are. I am paraphrasing my favorite author, Stephen R. Donaldson when I say, "Good science fiction and fantasy strike closer to the bone and blood of life than any other narrative medium for science fiction gives us hope for the future and fantasy gives us hope for who we are." 

So, Dr. Shaw and her lover, Charlie Holloway, played by Logan Marshall-Green, are driven to find our makers, one as a person of faith, and the other as an atheist. Also including Peter Weyland's (played by the ever talented Guy Pearce) drive not just to find the 'gods' but to ascend to their level. Every story needs a Lovecraftian mad scientist, I suppose.

This falls apart though, upon the discovery, upon moon LV-223 (which, mind you, is not the planet that the Nostromo, from the original film, Alien, landed upon, a fact which I didn't know until further reading), ... well, I don't really know. Let's delve into it, shall we?

On the scale from 1 to cuddly ....

They get there, and without any regard to the potential dangers of being on an alien planet, rush out, into the pyramid they find, skip on the weapons, even though there is a chance for animal life (I think), take their helmets off once inside without any foreknowledge of alien pathogens, and the biologist sticks his hand out toward an alien snake five minutes after panicking about a possible life form reading.

Anyone else getting the feeling that this multi-trillion dollar venture managed to wrangle together the scientific equivalent of the Scooby-Gang?

Okay, so I can buy that the characters are all lacking in higher brain function, including the Android who talks to himself.

Yeah, that pissed me off. 

"Big things have small beginnings ...."
Said the machine to itself like a weirdo.

We have a pretty cool line in the trailer, delivered superbly by Fassbender, "Big things have small beginnings," and we find out later that he was superbly delivering this pretty cool line to an empty room, with no real explanation as to why a robot talking to itself.

Moving on to my biggest grip with the plot. The black goo.

This shit ain't science fiction, brothers and sisters, it's frakking magic. Where everything else is just silly, this is downright insulting.

He's having a rough day.

This black goo, to start with disintegrates an Engineer in the opening scene, presumably to jump start life on Earth by injecting Engineer DNA into the environment, which, according to renowned Astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson, didn't make sense.

"The unrealistic part of it is that it’s a humanoid alien planting DNA seeds to seed all of life on Earth. And most life on Earth is not humanoid. In fact, most life on earth is plant and bacterial. So if they were to represent that accurately, it would be some kind of bacterium dropping its DNA into the oceans of Earth."

Now granted, the scene was frikkin awesome, but it's science-fiction, not fantasy, remember? If we were engineered by alien life, I would expect the actual engineering to happen in the Jurassic Park laboratory as designed by H.R. Gieger. And thematically, this is as if the Greek Titan gave fire to humanity by lighting himself on fire and running at them. It does not seem to be the most expedient method possible.

Now back to the black goo. 

From a kickstarter of an opening, the black goo mutates two itty-bitty worms into something called a Hammerpede, a giant snake-like eel that seems to operate like a pre-stage Facehugger complete with throat fetish an acidic blood.   

The black goo mutates Holloway after his drink is spiked with a mere droplet of the stuff ... somehow with a little tentacle thing coming out of his bloodshot eyes and then him kinda ... dying, I guess, although he makes like he's alright up to to the point he lets Vickers charbroil him.





This poor thing is so inbred it's family tree looks like the Olympic Rings.

The black goo turned a dead Fifield into a homicidal zombie with a taste for his former crewmates and a lack of need for oxygen to his huge melon.

Oh, right, I almost forgot, before the whole Charlie-as-a-candle bit the black goo made him super-fertile which impregnated the barren Dr. Shaw, who, within 10 hours was 3 months pregnant with a squid called a Trilobite that grows up to facehug an Engineer whose chest bursts releasing a proto-xeno called the Deacon.

This is the literary equivalent of a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds. I mean, I'm sorry to offend any Ridley Scott fans out there that I haven't, but that ... is bad writing. It's lazy, and what's worse, is it doesn't even try to explain itself. The closest we're given to an explanation is that the captain, Janek, (played by Idris Elba) makes the assumption that the pyramid is a military base and that the black goo is some form of biological weaponry.

Yes, of course, the only conclusion is that they hate us.

For all we're told it might have been a pharmaceutical meant to promote hair growth that went horribly wrong. From there, because David activated the Engineer's holodeck and found that Earth was highlighted, Shaw comes to the conclusion that the Engineers want to destroy us. Okay ... as far as jumping to conclusions I feel she just made a long-jumping record, but I can roll with it.

And speaking of David. After a very interesting conversation about the nature of creators in relation to the created with Charlie Holloway, he spikes the man's drink with the black goo for the purpose of 'trying harder'. Why is this robot conniving? Robots don't connive! Still doesn't explain why he brought the goo on board in the first place. As far as finding a ticket for Weyland to immortality, it makes no rational sense. It could have done anything. There's no indication that anyone even did what could be considered a scientific analysis of the damn stuff. And Weyland may only have a few days remaining to live, but he's in cryo anyways, so you know what that means? NO RUSH!

Although Guy Pearce is awesome and the Viral
advertising had me super psyched.

And that twist was bullshit from the start. Oh, and the mad scientist is revealed to be on the ship because ... he's on the ship. Sweet. It couldn't have been established early on? No? Had to be a twist? Thanks Shyamalan. Vickers (Charlize Theron) is his daughter? Wow, now I feel a real emotional connection to the ice queen from the north now that you have revealed that inhumanity runs in her bloody family.

She did however look mighty fine in a skintight uniform ... crap, where was I going with this?

Oh right. Shaw's pregnancy. That scene was badass. I would consider it one of the best in the film, if only for the gore-factor. However, they must have some damn good drugs in the future, cause she spends the better portion of the remaining film running her ass off, getting knocked about, and falling off stuff. Every single time too I was thinking, 'Staples in the gut, staples in the gut'. Talk about brutal. Go to a Metal concert and do that in the mosh pit.

But the whole pregnancy cesarean, GIANT SQUID event goes unnoticed and for the most part un-commented upon save by the once-again conniving robot. Shaw never brings it up with anyone so far as I recall, and it is left on board (for later, but still). It is meant to be overshadowed by learning that there is still a living Engineer frozen in cryostasis, and Weyland's brilliant plan is to wake it up and ask for immortality.

So, they find an Engineer, wake him up, ask for immortality ... and he roars like a movie monster and rips David's head off before going on a murderous rampage.

It was at this point that any pretense of philosophical underpinnings are dropped entirely and the film slips almost too comfortably into the action/adventure genre. Shaw manages to escape to the surface and radios the Prometheus, telling them that they have to sacrifice themselves to stop the Engineer from flying to Earth and using the black goo to destroy the human race for reasons known only to those privy to movie-monster logic. 

We went from black goo to this in the course of a day.

Vickers flees to the escape pod moments before Janek crashes the Prometheus into the alien ship, sending them both plummeting to the ground. Vickers is crushed, and Shaw makes it to the escape pod, where she learns that the Trilobite has grown to ginormous size. David's decapitated-yet-still-functioning head radios her to warn her of the Engineer's survival and rampaging approach. She unleashes the Trilobite upon her maker and in a strange form of ancestral incest, the Trilobite facehugs the Engineer, which ultimately chestbursts something called a Deacon that kinda looks like a Xenomorph.

Just like riding a bike ... with a flute, through space. 

So Shaw and David take another ship (which David can fly) and head for the Engineer's homeworld (which David can find). When David asks why, Shaw's reply is that she wants to know why. 

And honestly, I can share her sentiment. As the credits rolled, that word echoed noisily in my mind, and much to my frustration, as I read more into it, the fewer satisfying answers I found. For me the three most glaring issues with this film revolve around the effects of the black goo, the motivation for David's behavior, and the validity of Shaw's assumptions that the Engineers want to destroy us, and despite the quality of the rest of the film, explanations for these three things could have elevated it far above what it is: a shiny sci-fi film, with great effects, a great cast, big questions, and a screenwriting mistep that ultimately crippled it.

Now, I've never actually said this before, but I implore anyone who has actually made it this far through this tome of a post to leave a comment below sharing your feelings on the matter. If you disagree with me, let me have it. If you have answers, hit me with them. If you agree, tell me how awesome and smart and handsome I am.

Cause here's the thing, and this'll really cook your noodle later, I really enjoyed this movie.

~ Godzello

MEN IN BLACK 3

Been a while, gang ... Okay, so I'm lazy. Sue me.

I ended up seeing MIB3 ... twice, count 'em, and believe you me, not my first choice. Movies are pricey, and I sure as hell don't make that much. That said, I had a lot of fun both times. Primarily, it was a leg up over Men In Black II. It had heart and wit, and Josh Brolin blew me the frak away. 

But ... and this is a pretty damn big 'but', the opening scenes of the film, the prison break, the funeral of Zed, and pretty much everything leading up to Tommy Lee Jones' line, "I hate to drag you away from your video-games," I was hella leery about what I was watching. Actually, for the first 20 or so minutes, I looked exactly like this.

Heinlein had obviously never watched the opening to MIB3 when he  wrote,
"They laugh because it hurts so much."

Suffice it to say, I wasn't impressed by the opening.

His stare just burns with fatherly approval.

But then, around the time Agent K vanishes due to the escape and time jump of Boris the Animal to the past (July 16, 1969), to kill the legendary Man In Black before he can shoot of young Boris' arm and imprison him for forty years, the film kicks off. The jokes are funnier, mostly because Will Smith's comedy is at its best when things are working against him, from drinking the little girl's chocolate milk to the brain parasite that might kill him at any second being the lesser of two evils, and we have an emotional investment. What can be said? Tommy Lee Jones is endearing with all his cuddly warmth.

So, with the help of a (alien/human?) burnout who owns a small electronics store, Agent J time jumps into the past, where I geeked out instantly at the plethora of classic cars (I'm a Supernatural fan, don't judge me). There is a fair bit of amusement about how out of place Will Smith is in the 60s, and seeing Josh Brolin in action was fantastic.

I'm gonna blame the recession of his hairline ....

Josh Brolin plays K to a T (what does that even mean, anyways?) and is so convincing as Tommy Lee Jones it's almost frightening. The dynamic is damn near identical between the two characters, (Right down to the line, 'I'm beginning to see why we don't talk in the future.') However, we are still shown a happier, almost ... dare I say, carefree Agent K, and it is one of several recurring themes between young Agent K and J is figuring out what happens July 16, 1969 that changes Agent K into such an stone-cold sourpuss.

The obligatory finale takes place at the Apollo 11 lunar launch, (obligatory in that, the moment they established the date, where else would the showdown take place) which really mucked with my head considering all I could think about for the final half of the film was that roughly around that same time, the Doctor was saving the planet from the Silence. And then my brain drifted off into thinking about Torchwood/MIB crossover and my brain melted. I may not swing that way, but if Will Smith makes that suit look good, I bet Barrowman would make it look even better .... okay I'm back. And straight.

The film also has several fun characters replacing the old, no more Frank the talking pug (although he is referenced) and the worms are reduced back to a small role near the start. I like this. The second film seemed inundated with taking jokes from the first film and redressing them. I appreciate the inclusion of Grif and ... well, mainly Grif. He be cool. His opening monologue about possible futures and J's reaction were, in my mind, priceless.

Also, Boris the animal, while not an overly engaging character, I found amusing, if only because of the nagging feeling that I recognized that voice. After looking it up, I slapped myself for nerd-fail, indeed having recognized none other than what's-his-nuts from Flight of the Concords (his name is Jemaine Clement).

And as Agent K once said, "You have to trust the pie."

Now I want pie.

Dammit.

So overall, I really did enjoy the film. It was what it was, and when all is said an done, it even did jerk the heartstrings a bit. Not overly, and luckily it was done with enough sincerity not to come across as contrived. As Grif said, "Where there is death, there will always be death."

~ Godzello